nastybun

Welcome to the official trailer for the reinvention of Apogee. You may remember them from such classics as Commander Keen, Rise of the Triad, and of course Duke Nukem. You, my reader, may remember that before Duke Nukem 3D came out in 1996 there were two 2D Duke Nukem games. They were good, I enjoyed them thoroughly. Recently, those that be have announced that Apogee as a brand is back (they have existed in the public eye as 3D Realms since the late 90s) and as a major release to wow the world, they’ve announced some new Duke Nukem games for the DS! Wow! Remember how awesome they were damn near fifteen years ago? This’ll be brilliant! Once this takes off, we may even have some new Commander Keen games! How brilliant will that be?! Never mind that they’ve been ‘making’ a new Duke Nukem game since 1997. Duke Nukem Forever (possibly a pisstake title?) has been ‘in development’ for ELEVEN YEARS. I could make a game in that long, and I’m useless with anything like that. Still, this new Duke Nukem title must be being created by different people who have nothing to do with the team who have obviously been hard at work for ELEVEN YEARS cranking out… well, apparently some people have seen it running. Nothing official worth noting though. Still, the new trilogy (it’s traditional.. games from fifteen years ago came in episodes….) has a trailer! Check it out!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING THAT BAD EVER IN YOUR LIFE. HOLY FUCKING SHIT BATMAN! ‘Scuse me if not adding a break has ruined how astoundingly bad that was, but if you’ve read to here and haven’t watch at least the first 30 seconds of it, please just watch it that far. There are no words for how amateur it is. There are vids on youtube made by mentally challenged pygmy lemmings (no offence meant) that are far better than that. People with no limbs could create something approaching Cannes brilliance compared to that. My scalp has exuded… well, you get the picture. The voice clips, the fonts, the circular ‘OMFG RADIATION’ logo, images of Duke.. probably all the rest of the assets.. are from Duke Nuken 3D (or previous Duke Nukem games)bumph. From, at the latest, 1996. In videogame terms… well, lets say that Noah wouldn’t have bothered allowing that onto the ark. And then there’s the total rubbishness of how all the assets were used. If it wasn’t for the fact that this was an official video shown at E3, I’d have written it off as a pisstake. In fact.. a pisstake couldn’t have been that bad. It would have been written off as a mentally challenged limbless pygmy lemming who is a fan of the original Duke Nukem 3D wanting to make a case for it appearing on XBLA (there’s a rumour that that may happen.. it was fun back in the day.. may be worth a shot again) and failing miserably. There is no stating how bad that video is. I cannot imagine someone stepping back and thinking ‘Yea, I’ve created something that’ll really make people want to purchase this brilliance. This oughta generate massive interest in this title.’ Good god I hope anyone who had anything to do with the creation and approval process of that thing has been fired. From a cannon. Into a very very solid wall. And then incinerated for good measure. I’m just… there’s not words… yea. You get me.

On the plus side, we’re getting a new Wolfenstein game. Mmm.